


Ain’t Ever Giving Up On You

by cleo4u2, cobaltmoony



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Recovering, Love, M/M, Masturbation, PWP, Skype, Webcam/Video Chat Sex, htp recovery, ish - because I never write JUST pwp, mention of past rape, step by step babes, there’s too much love and recovery for that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 16:15:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16579865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cleo4u2/pseuds/cleo4u2, https://archiveofourown.org/users/cobaltmoony/pseuds/cobaltmoony
Summary: After months being together, Bucky and Steve can’t have sex without Bucky having a violent flashback. It’s tearing them both apart in different ways, but they keep trying. This is how they take the first step to recovery.





	Ain’t Ever Giving Up On You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kajmere](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kajmere/gifts).



> **Moony** : Surprise!! Hope you like this gift Kristy!! <3<3<3 thank you for always being so supportive of me and just so sweet and lovely??? I just wanna say thank you for existing <3<3<3 It’s also a companion piece of my gift to Alby and I hope you got a kick out of this like i do :D And a thousand thanks to Cleo who brainstormed with me on this piece and gosh i’m so in love with this verse and can’t get enough of it! 
> 
> **Cleo** : Happy birthday, [Kajmere](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kajmere/pseuds/Kajmere) ! You do so much work for fandom and are just a wonderful person. We love you 
> 
> Thank you to the wonderful [NurseDarry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NurseDarry/profile) for being our Glow Cloud and beta. I don't know what we'd do without you

“It’s gonna be okay,” Steve whispered into Bucky’s hair. Normally soft and shining, it was matted to his head with sweat, as was the rest of Bucky’s naked body. The way he clung to Steve meant Steve could feel every trembling muscle, every sob that wracked Bucky’s chest. 

“I’m a mess,” Bucky said, though the words were choked and garbled. “It’s never gonna work. I’m _broken_.”

Steve closed his eyes and tightened his hold on Bucky, heedless of how it squashed Bucky’s face against his pecs. 

“No,” he hissed, “everything’s gonna be fine. It’s fine.” Part of Steve believed if he said it enough it would be true. Logically, he knew nothing was that easy, but it wasn’t going to stop him from trying. “We’re fine.” He glanced at the hole in the wall where Bucky had tried to smash Steve’s skull to pulp. “It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

Bucky just sobbed, gut-wrenching, broken sounds that tore Steve’s heart to pieces. It had been easier defending himself from Bucky’s attack than it was listening to this. Not a single part of Steve wanted to be anywhere else, not when Bucky needed him. So he held tight, whispered his promises over and over, waiting as the tremors slowed, the sobs quieted, and Bucky eased into a sniffling, limp mess.

Steve thought he’d fallen asleep until he whispered, “I don’t think I’ll… ever be able to.”

“Shh,” Steve instantly hushed, “baby, it’s okay.”

The half-hearted laugh followed by a sniffle gave Steve hope that Bucky was coming out of it. The flashbacks were bad, but the fallout afterward was the worst. Bucky hated himself for what he couldn’t control, as if it was his fault he had been traumatized. As if he was disappointing Steve.

“You keep sayin’ that, Stevie.” Bucky shook his head. “It’s been months; I want you to fuck me.”

“I know, baby, I know.” Steve sighed. If it were up to him, they wouldn’t keep trying like this. Being the reason Bucky had flashbacks to being raped left him feeling culpable in what had happened. “It’s gonna take time.”

“You shouldn’t have to-” Bucky began, but Steve knew that argument, and he wasn’t about to hear it again.

“I don’t _have_ to do anything,” Steve interrupted, “I love you. You’re stuck with me.”

Bucky slowly stretched out, easing the cramps out of his limbs. Trailing his fingers up and down Bucky’s spine, Steve waited. Either Bucky wasn’t done, or they were going to change the sheets before showering.

“I love you, too.” Bucky sighed, but turned his head to kiss Steve’s bicep. “You still shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

It was tempting to shake Bucky, to yell at him. Anger wouldn’t help anything. He said, “Neither should you.”

Bucky didn’t have anything to say to that. He climbed out of bed, and Steve followed suit. While Bucky started the shower, Steve stripped the sheets and replaced them with clean linens. The wall could be patched in the morning; they still had leftovers from the patching kit they’d bought last time. Next time, they’d have to buy more, but…

Pausing, Steve thought about that and smiled sadly. There would be a next time, and a time after that. Bucky had said the only thing that could keep Steve from avoiding sex altogether. He wanted it, wanted Steve. No matter how they came at it, though, sex ended up like this: Bucky becoming violent after flashing back to Pierce and Karpov raping him, using him, hurting him. It sickened Steve to think about what they had to have done to cause this lingering trauma, so Steve tried not to think about it. Instead, he had researched; sex positions, toys, sex therapists, anything and everything that might, possibly, help Bucky. Nothing had worked. A hole in the wall was the lesser of Bucky’s volatile reactions.

Fresh towels in hand, Steve slipped into the bathroom. He set the towels in place and froze as Bucky spoke.

“If you don’t want…”

Bucky trailed off, but Steve knew what he wasn’t saying. If Steve didn’t want to keep trying, Bucky wouldn’t make him. 

“Just our usual three day break,” Steve assured him. That’s the amount of time Steve had discovered he needed to recover from these… experiments. A day to take care of Bucky, a day to take care of himself, and a day to find some hope that this time they’d succeed. 

“Steve…” 

Bucky’s voice was uncertain and small, so Steve cut him off at the pass. “Three days, Buck. We’re gonna figure it out. We will.”

The water shut off and Bucky pushed open the glass door. He stared at Steve, blue eyes unsure and searching. Whatever he saw, though, had him smiling. It was a tiny thing, but it was a smile and _that_ was progress, as far as Steve was concerned. Bucky was coming back from his flashbacks quicker every time. 

“Okay,” Bucky said. “We will.”

\----

Bucky shifted from foot to foot, checked his watch, tugged at the hem of his shirt. On the couch, Steve turned the page of his book. He hadn’t looked up since Bucky had stopped in the doorway, just sat there reading like he didn’t know Bucky was there. He knew, and he knew Bucky wanted to talk to him, but he just kept reading, making Bucky come to him. Tessa, Bucky’s therapist, had said that’s what he should do during a joint session. If he ran to Bucky’s rescue every time, Bucky would never learn autonomy. Or something. 

Bucky _hated_ it.

“Steve?” Bucky finally managed. 

Sure enough, Steve’s head whipped right up, and he smiled like Bucky had hung the moon. That same damn smile Steve wore every time Bucky saw it made his toes curl with a special warmth no one else had ever come close to causing. 

“Hey, Buck. How was therapy?”

“It was good,” Bucky hedged. “Look, um, Tessa made a suggestion…”

“Oh?” Steve leaned forward, folding his book around his finger to hold his place. “About?”

“Us,” Bucky said, though he knew that didn’t explain anything at all. His metal fingers curled in the hem of his black t-shirt. “You know… for…” Steve didn’t fill in, the rule-following _punk_. “...sex.”

Surprise lifted Steve’s eyebrows, and he set the book down entirely. Only then did he hold out his hand to Bucky. Bucky’s feet answered that call without needing any of his input, and he was at Steve’s side in a shot. Taking the offered hand, he let Steve pull him down and curled into his lap, head on Steve’s chest. The steady, even thump of his heart would forever be a comfort, almost as much as the strong arms that enfolded him in a gentle embrace.

Steve said, “Tell me about it.”

“Um,” Bucky closed his eyes, “you ever hear of Skype sex?”

“I’ve heard of Skype. Not sure how you have sex via the internet, though.”

Bucky smiled because Steve’s stubborn refusal to learn about technology more than was necessary was as endearing as it was frustrating. 

“You can video call on Skype.”

“Oh,” Steve said, and then, “ _Oh_. So… we’ll…”

“Yeah.” Bucky hadn’t blushed this hard in decades. “With the laptops. You can watch and I can… While we… you know.”

Steve definitely knew, his cock was swelling beneath Bucky’s hip. It never stopped being shocking how Steve wanted him. After everything, after their failed sexual pursuits, he still wanted Bucky. Just this suggestion was getting him hard.

“Not very… interactive.” When he looked up, Bucky could see Steve worrying his bottom lip. “What if… I tell you how I’d like to touch you?”

Arousal climbed up Bucky’s spine and left his voice breathless. “And I’ll touch myself?”

Steve’s answering smile was wicked, making Bucky’s toes curl in anticipation.

“And you’ll talk to me.”

“Yeah,” Bucky croaked through a throat suddenly dry as a bone. “I… yeah.”

Always practical, Steve asked, “When?” 

Bucky couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Impatient already?” 

“For you?” Steve’s gaze set Bucky’s blood on fire. “Yes.”

“Fuck.” Bucky swallowed hard, but it was pretty clear what the answer would be. It had been so damned long since they’d gotten off together. If this worked... “Now? I can set you up and go to the bedroom…?”

“Mm,” Steve rumbled his approval. “Can I kiss you first?”

God, Bucky wanted that, but he slowly shook his head. With how keyed-up he was just from Steve’s look, he didn’t want to risk setting off a panic attack. Not now. Not when this had a chance of working.

Thankfully, Steve didn’t look disappointed. He nodded, brushed his thumb across Bucky’s lower lip, then gave him a slight shove. 

“Well? Get!”

Bucky snorted, but did as he was told. It took only a little time to get Steve’s laptop set up, though Bucky wanted to linger. He could see the thick line of Steve’s cock through his sweats, and feel his gaze through his clothes. Bucky wanted to get a taste of Steve. A lick, some kisses, a long swallow… but it would set him off, and that would put an end to anything for three days.

Shivering, Bucky tore his gaze from Steve lying casually on the couch, and took his own laptop into the bedroom. With the door closed, he couldn’t hear Steve unless he was exceptionally loud. Which… well, hearing Steve come in stereo wouldn’t be much of a hardship.

“You, uh, ready?” Steve’s electronic voice asked as Bucky knelt on the bed.

“Soon,” Bucky promised. It was a bit harder to get settled in the bedroom since he didn’t have much to prop the laptop on. In the end, it sat on the bedside table, the camera a few feet away, but caught him from head to toe, if in profile.

“Wearin’ a lot of clothes, there, Buck.” 

Bucky scoffed and turned to the laptop, but the breath choked in his chest. While he’d gotten in position and focused on his own image, Steve had stripped down to nothing. His thick, uncut cock was dripping and twitching, foreskin pulled back so the tip showed angry and red. With the laptop on the coffee table, Bucky was looking up between his spread legs to see everything: Steve’s muscular thighs, his heavy balls, tapered waist, powerfully-built torso, and broad shoulders. The look on Steve’s face did Bucky in, though. His blue eyes were dark and dilated, focused on the laptop screen so it looked like he was staring just beneath Bucky’s eyes. Steve _wanted_ , and God help him, Bucky wanted Steve just as badly.

Realizing Steve was letting him just sit and stare, Bucky ripped his shirt off and tossed the fabric aside. His underwear went with his jeans, and Bucky turned back to the laptop as Steve hummed with satisfaction. 

“God, you’re so gorgeous,” Steve said thickly. “I wanna get my hands all over you. Just…” He breathed slowly, hands on his knees; calming himself. “I’d put my hands on your thighs. Yeah,” Steve said as Bucky followed the direction, and tried not to revel in how naturally this was coming to Steve, “like that. Dig your nails in a little, baby. Want you to feel it when I drag them up.”

The sting of fingernails between his legs drew a sharp gasp from Bucky. And there was… nothing crawling up his spine. No creeping disgust in his stomach, or tightness in his chest. There was just _want_. There was just his hands and Steve’s voice, instructing him to draw his fingers over his hips, lightly, because Steve wanted to lick him.

“Stevie,” Bucky breathed, “D-Don’t draw it out. It’s been…”

“Yeah,” Steve sighed. “I know; me, too.”

“Will you,” Bucky cleared his throat. “Will you touch yourself?”

“Yeah, baby, yeah,” Steve promised. “Real slow, though, alright?”

Bucky nodded, staring hard at the laptop. With Steve’s voice pulsing in his blood, he wrapped his fingers around the base of his cock. Squeezing, he drew his hand slowly to the tip and watched Steve do the same. The twist of his palm over the sensitive head made him gasp, but Steve’s moan made him start leaking pre-come. 

“God, baby, you look so good enjoying yourself.” Steve’s voice was a breathless rumble, deep and rough. “Feel good, baby?”

“Yes,” Bucky whined. He’d hardly touched himself at all, but it was already too much. “Steve, _please_.”

Steve shook his head.

“Slow,” he insisted. “We’re gonna make this good. We’ve earned it.”

“Yeah,” Bucky panted, nodded, and shuddered. “Yeah, okay.”

“Back down, baby,” Steve instructed. “Slow and easy.”

Drawing in a shuddering breath, Bucky stroked himself at a glacial pace. His breath shuddered in and out of his chest, and his blood pounded in his head. Steve’s harsh breathing was erotic music, promising that he wasn’t alone in the intensity of their pleasure. Considering it was the first time they’d managed anything sexual together since the forties, Bucky wasn’t ashamed. 

Watching Steve masturbate was tripping him closer to the edge as much as his hand, even with the slow torture of their pace. Steve’s forearms bulged with restraint, veins and muscles standing out beneath his skin. His cock dribbled steadily, leaving it shiny and bright. Every time Steve reached the tip, he twisted his palm over the head, and his eyes rolled back, and a moan punched from his lungs. It was beautiful.

And it was torture not to touch him.

“Will you…?” Bucky tossed his head, even as he tried to keep his eyes on Steve. He couldn’t look away. “Your nipples… Pinch them?”

Steve’s fingers lifted instantly to his left nipple, pinching the tiny nub. It was hard already, but grew pink as he pinched and pulled. A hard moan left them both, and Bucky mimicked Steve’s motions. Pleasure sparkled through his chest, and he switched to his right nipple. Steve’s hand followed, and Bucky gasped with need. Every small touch, every one of Steve’s movements, was driving him wild. He _needed_ and he needed _now_. 

“Slow,” Steve urged, and his voice had gained a tight edge. 

“Please,” Bucky pleaded. “Stevie, please!”

With a groan, Steve broke. “Fuck, baby, lemme see you come.”

Throwing his head back, Bucky gave into pleasure. He fisted his cock, hips lifting to meet his right hand. The left pinched at his nipples, back and forth, eager for that extra bit of excitement that coursed through his system. Soon there was nothing else, just pleasure, and Steve’s gentle voice, urging him on and on, and... 

Mouth falling open, Bucky cried out, and his orgasm broke across his skin. Every inch of him tingled; his cock pulsed, a new surge of joy with each spurt of come that had him shouting Steve’s name. Distantly, he heard Steve’s own shout, and then the laptop gave him the clearer sound of Steve’s climax. 

“ _Bucky_!” 

His name on Steve’s lips caused Bucky’s body to shudder and empty a last splatter of come from his balls. Then he floated, breathing hard, reveling in how _good_ he felt. And he felt damn good, better than he had in a long time.

Lazily, Bucky rolled his head to the side and saw Steve splayed on the couch, come splattered over his chest and stomach. His eyes were closed, an expression of pleased satisfaction on his face. 

“Beautiful,” Bucky murmured, and Steve’s eyes opened a fraction, enough to see a glitter of blue..

“You’re one to talk.”

Bucky looked down at himself and felt a lazy, smug smile turn his lips. Come pooled on his belly, long lines of it covered both his pecs, and a slight sheen of sweat made his skin shine. It was a good look, at least if Steve was the one looking.

“Can I…” The nervous edge to Steve’s voice jolted Bucky back into his body enough his toes regained sensation, “join you?”

Snorting, Bucky held out his hand to the camera like he could reach through it and pull Steve to him. The Skype call almost instantly disconnected as Steve shut the laptop. Moments later, the door opened and Bucky adjusted his arm, holding it out to the man he loved.

“Hey,” Steve said softly.

Bucky smiled, not caring that it was dopey. Bucky was gone on his guy. Especially as he slowly eased onto the bed, took Bucky’s hand, and then let himself be pulled against Bucky’s side. Come smeared between them as their naked bodies pressed flush, but Bucky didn’t care. Not if Steve didn’t care. Steve just laid his head against Bucky’s shoulder and sighed, so it seemed like they were on the same page.

“It worked,” Bucky said inanely.

“It did,” Steve agreed.

“We’re gonna do it.” Bucky kissed the top of Steve’s head, revealing in how _incredible_ he felt. There was nothing; not a single crawling sensation. Just the tingling leftovers of his orgasm and the hot line of Steve’s body against his own. “The first step of however many it takes.” 

Most incredibly? Bucky believed his own words. There was hope. One day, maybe not too far away, they’d be in the same bed, hands on each other, cock buried in… someone. Bucky didn’t care who, so long as that day could happen. And now? Now he knew it could.

“Do I get to say I told you so?” Steve asked.

Bucky nudged him hard.

“No!” he protested, not about to let Steve take credit for this, the little shit. “You didn’t think we could do it, either.”

“But I said-”

Bucky huffed. 

“Yeah, you _said_ , but you didn’t believe it.”

Surprisingly, Steve didn’t argue. He fell silent, then sat up to lean over Bucky’s chest. The look in his eyes had Bucky swallowing hard, unable to do anything but stare. Steve looked at him with such intensity; like Bucky was the whole world, and nothing else could matter.

“I ain’t ever gonna give up on you,” Steve whispered. “No matter what anyone says, or what you _believe_ , I ain’t _ever_ giving up on you.”

“Okay,” Bucky whispered. Then he swallowed, trying to find something to show Steve how much those words meant to him. How much Steve meant to him. All he could say, though, was, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” 

The intensity of feeling faded to a soft glow that washed against Bucky like a gentle ocean. It didn’t die even as Steve settled against his shoulder again. It didn’t disappear as he closed his eyes, or when the room grew colder, and come dried on his chest. He didn’t think it would ever go away.

**Author's Note:**

> Come and visit us on Tumblr
> 
> [cleo4u2](http://cleo4u2.tumblr.com)  
> [Cobaltmoony](http://cobaltmoonysart.tumblr.com)  
> [Kajmere](http://kajmere.tumblr.com)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Art for Ain’t Ever Giving Up On You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16678669) by [cobaltmoony](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cobaltmoony/pseuds/cobaltmoony)




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